January 2010
133 posts
Look 2010, let’s get something straight right up front. I’m not putting up with any of the same shit 2009 gave me. Just so you know.
♫Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne♫ If it wasn’t New Year’s Eve, you’d swear I just called yer mother something.
Somewhere in my neighborhood right now someone is *blasting* Cypress Hill. Dude, two decades ago called and they want their playlist back.
I am actually inviting anyone (possibly you?) to drunk dial me right now. Go on. I dare you. And then it’s my turn.
I was gonna get all whored up tonight, but instead decided to adopt 12 cats, watch Oprah reruns and attempt to eat my weight in Haagen-Dazs.
Okay. Hand to god. How many of us are totally drunk right now?
A walk of shame wherein one walks away from their computer, ashamed of what they tweeted last night. Is that a thing yet? It’s about to be.
RT @nostrich: Holy fuck I am drunk,
I spent New Year’s Eve listening to The Ramones. WHAT DID YOU DO??
You know guys, if Dick Clark’s balls haven’t dropped by now, I really don’t think they’re ever gonna.
I kinda get the sense that, collectively, we all think the new year/decade is gonna bring with it superpowers! for everyone! or something.
This next year, I plan to use commas more frequently, and whenever possible, less appropriately. Even flat out WRONG sometimes. Look out.
Snafy Fu Smear!
Hey 2009, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Fucker.
Spiffy Pap Smear!
♫ “Meet George Jetson. His boy Elroy. Daughter Judy. Jane his wife.”♫ Astro totally got the shaft on that one.
Sometimes you’re the windshield. Sometimes you’re the bug.
December 2009
52 posts
RT @grossefemme: What do you mean it’s not 2010 yet? Gawd. Isn’t 2009 done?? Like, HELLO? Finish already!
RT @MKupperman: I think a great ending for this decade would be if the twin towers were in the shower, and it had all been a dream.
A microwave that closes QUIETLY. Is that a thing? No? I didn’t think so. Somebody should get on inventing that. Seriously. I’d buy one.
RT @thejohnblog: CNN: Obama calls for “respect” in Iran. Somewhere, Aretha Franklin stops mid feeding, tilts her head, whispers “I’m nee …
RT @michaelianblack: Now that Christmas is over, I can finally start focusing on my dislike for New Year’s Eve.
True story: Having no corkscrew, I opened a wine bottle using a screw from a wall outlet, a butterknife and a door hinge. I shit you not.
Quit eating altogether. #newyearsresolutions
I’m always being serious except for when I’m not. You have to decide which is which for yourself.
The best way to spend the holidays is with the people that love you. If nobody loves you, the next best way to spend the holidays is drunk.
You say I’m taking Christ out of Christmas when I spell it “Xmas”. You never say how clever it is that I add an X. Look on the bright side!
Even *I* know that 10:30 in the morning, on Christmas Eve nonetheless, is too early to be drinking. Which is why I just got high instead.
I don’t think the glass is half empty OR half full. I think it’s probably just going to get broken anyway so who really gives a shit?
In life, everything we do should be done deliberately, but rarely ever is.
Yea lo, the angel of the Lord appeared before me and his glory shone all around me and he spoke thus to me and he said: “Eat mor chiken.”
I have unconsciously glanced at the clock at precisely 11:11 everyday now for the past 11 days. The apocalypse draws nigh, my friends.
The real irony of life is that there is no irony. We desperately search for meaning, and the meaning is that there is no meaning at all.
Totally unrelated: what kind of mushrooms does Papa John’s put on their pizzas these days?
What did you do today? I stayed in my pajamas all day long, so no matter what your answer is, I still win.
If you ever think there isn’t anything good in this wretched life, look no farther than peanut butter and jelly. And we all say, amen.
My soup, which I did not thoroughly heat, has that not-so-thoroughly-heated taste to it, for some odd reason. Related: it tastes like tears.
RT @FakeAPStylebook: Typing in all capital letters is perceived to be shouting, so only do it when addressing foreigners or the elderly.
RT @gknauss: Kills 99.99% of all germs! And turns that last 0.01% into the baddest motherfuckers you’ve ever seen.